Essence: Tired Of The ‘What Are We’ Talk? Six Ways To Avoid The Dreaded ‘Situationship’

How many times have you or someone you know found yourself in a “situationship” and you can’t even remember how you arrived there? Sis, we get it!

Next thing you know, months have passed and you have no idea if you are the girlfriend, bed buddy or homegirl. What this screams to us as professional relationship coaches and certified matchmakers is that you and potential bae have had zero conversations regarding expectations. With these tips you will no longer be in a relationship with no direction. Not on our watch!

Want to leave the relationship confusion in the past? Here is a six step plan to help you set standards and begin dating intentionally.

Write it down and make it plain – We hate to give you a homework assignment, but it works! Before you even get into a relationship, write down some realistic goals for yourself and the relationship you desire. We’ve seen some of the lists come through our office from our clients and all we can say after pages and pages of what he needs to be is “Chile please”.  If you’re not clear of what you want, you can’t translate it to him.

Practice your delivery – We’ve seen conversations between partners go left real quick between partners when the tone is off. Before you spend hours, days, and months together (of which you can’t get back) practice what it feels like to make your intentions known. For example, you can try looking in the mirror and saying, “You know Babe, I just want to confirm we are rowing the same direction. What are you looking for at this stage in life?”

Keep The Faith – If one of your requirements is a man of faith, you must be clear about what that looks like to you. Be specific! Do you require someone to have a personal relationship with their higher power or attend service with you?  Does it mean he’s actively attending a place of worship, or is it totally ok if he’s a believer that hasn’t been to church in years?  You may or may not like the feeling of walking out the door in your Sunday’s best while he’s happily resting in the bed.  If you didn’t make this crystal clear from the beginning, whose fault is it really?

Quality time – You might be a woman who desires spending quality time with her man. But what exactly does that mean to you? Do you prefer to go out on dates or are you more of a homebody that prefers watching a movie at home and snuggling? You may assume you both have been dating long enough to know each other’s preferences, but your boo needs crisp, clear direction so they can get it right. Remember the patterns you start in the beginning set the standard for the duration of the relationship.

Seeing other people – We can’t tell you how many times we’ve met with frustrated clients who don’t know where they stand after years of investing time and energy into a single suitor. If you have never established whether or not you two are cool with seeing other people, this is another indication that you’ve never had a clear conversation. A question we would encourage you to ask early on is, “How single are you?”  Give a warm smile, sit back, look cute and let them answer.

Location, location, location – Thanks to the popularity of social media and online dating, it’s not a big deal at all these days to meet someone in another state or even a new country.  Maybe she’s amazing and you’re enjoying getting to know each other. But not so fast! Please know that long distance relationships only work if there’s a plan to end the distance. If you know that you’re planted where you are with no possibility of moving, it’s important to find out if he has any flexibility. It can easily become a situationship and waste of time if you never have the discussion and then figure out that neither of you has plans to change area codes.

In summary ladies, at this stage in our lives, we don’t have time to waste staying stuck in a stagnant relationship.  We are in a movement where we control our ENTIRE life and yes that includes LOVE but it starts with communication and setting a foundation for you both to follow from the beginning.

Fisher Gilmore Matchmaking is an exclusive agency of “heart hunters” led by The Matchmaking DUO™ (Kelli Fisher & Tana Gilmore). They provide matchmaking services personally designed to accommodate busy, successful professionals who are seeking long-term love. They pride themselves on giving their clients a lot of what they want, and even more of what they need. For more advice from them visit their site or follow them on Facebook or Twitter.